Reading through some things that I've written in the past, I came across one that just about brought me to my knees this morning. I wrote it right after I realized mom had suffered a stroke, after which we were all informed that her brain will no longer be the same. At that moment, I felt the loss of my mother. The woman I had known better than any other person on this planet, the woman who knows me better than anyone else knows me. She had always been my inconsistent constant. (Our mom wasn't always the type who would send out cards or make phone calls on a regular basis, but when we needed her wisdom or advice, we knew all we had to do was get in touch and she would have the magic words to help guide us through.) She had always seemed like my very best friend. And she always made me laugh.
I wrote words that came to me through the pain of knowing - and those words were raw and completely hurled from my heart and mind into my computer. Angry. Distraught. Mad at the world. Mad at "God".
I was amazed to see how far I've come from being there.... buried in complete misery and self pity. And so many life events have happened in between that time and the present. Everything, everything, everything is so temporary.
Somehow, slowly over the months, there has been a shift within. And I now look forward to meeting my mother all over again. Each time I am with her, I get the joy of finding out who she is. In that moment, on that day. I can't rely on her to be the one I've always thought I knew. I can't depend on her being silly or calm or laughing or crying. It's all a surprise.
I saw her over the weekend and played a video of a song I had recorded/sung on my iPhone. And my mother, who now has fewer and fewer inhabitions, started dancing unlike I've ever seen my mother dance. She got completely carried away in the sound of my voice singing and I was completely moved by her reaction. Moved by how beautiful she appeared in that moment, outside - mountains surrounding us, tall trees encircling us, green grass under our feet and a big beautiful blue sky above us. There were other people nearby watching their kids' soccer games, but she and I were all alone sharing something I will treasure the rest of my life.
Do we ever REALLY know one another completely? My mother's experience is teaching me that we all change constantly. Sometimes the changes are soft and subtle, but once in awhile drastic enters in and the changes seem harsh and difficult, sudden and unexpected. If we can incorporate honoring that simple little fact, that I am never ever the same me and you are never ever the same you, that we are this constantly changing ball of energy, motion, physical form - maybe marriages would last longer, relationships would grow with such intensity that there wouldn't be room for negatives to invade and bombard. Just a thought. I used to get completely depressed, so bad that I thought there would never be a way out. Somewhere along the way, I've learned that it all goes away. It all comes back. There's this phenomenal ebb and flow, "tide dance" of emotions that we all experience. And when you can find yourself dancing with and to that motion, all of a sudden it doesn't swallow you and take you out to sea or pull you under. But rather, it gives you freedom to move, to sway, to feel gracious and empowered, and carried.
I love meeting my mom for the first time each time I see her now.
And THAT... is gifting me with an ability to meet people in a new way... all people, those I thought I had known forever and those new acquaintances who enter in each day.
"Life is either a daring adventure.... or nothing." ~Helen Keller
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