I have a friend who once told me "you're not going through mid-life crisis, you're going through mid-life opportunity". I also have an uncle who once told me as a family member I was entitled to have ONE bad day a month. That's what was allowed. I'm so lucky to have the people in my life I have in my life. The words, the role models, the encouragement when needed.
Yesterday was my one bad day of the month. I dove face first, belly-flop style into a pity party, drowning myself in the feelings that come when I can't control certain things outside of me. And by nightfall, I had cried a bucket of tears, eyes puffy and head hurting. Then all of a sudden, like a bolt of lightening pulsing through I had an epiphany. I have a gypsy heart. I joke around about being a "pirate". Wanting to always roam the seven seas. It doesn't take much for me to begin feeling restless, feeling like there's something "out there" tugging at me, pulling at me... beckoning. Some people label it depression. I used to when I listened to doctors who wanted to prescribe all kinds of band-aids. What I've learned is that when I go through those times, it's my inner voice saying, "Come on! Let's go!!!" It's time for me to listen to what my heart is trying to pound into my head. Time to take footsteps towards the thing or things that fill up my soul.
All it took was that one moment of recognition to ignite a flame inside that prompted me to search out what exactly the universe had in mind for my day. And by the time my head hit my pillow, several things had happened that made me smile and think to myself... THAT'S the door I was supposed to knock upon!!! And now, today, I have new opportunities waiting, new joys to discover and uncover... all because I pulled up some bootstraps and moved myself a few little steps into a new direction, through a new door. And all of a sudden, more things in my life make sense and feel "right" and "good".
I even found myself today, thinking about mom. Thinking about how I've gone through the aging process, dimentia and Alzheimer's with both my grandmothers. And now my mom's brain is beginning to change in a direction none of us can control, especially her. And all of a sudden today I find myself smiling. Is that sick? I am actually looking forward to the opportunities that I think are before her. Before me. Before all of our family. Sure, I know the difficulties that my grandmothers' diseases brought. But I would never trade what I gained from being present in their lives during those experiences. They made me better. They made me stronger. They made me able to stand back and look at everything from a slightly different stance. Today I look forward to who my mom becomes. What she'll teach me. What she'll demonstrate. I'm looking forward to the silly things that will happen that will make us all laugh.
All it takes sometimes is to change one little word. Last night's change? Alternate the word "crisis" for the word "opportunity" and watch the flood gates unlock themselves and rain down blessing upon blessing.
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