In about a week I finally get to go see mom. I was so afraid of facing the experience, seeing how she has changed, I was waking up in the mornings trembling from head to toe. I felt like I was choking, literally, thinking about whether or not I have the personal strength right now to see her. Not a day goes by that I don't miss everything about my mom. I can't find her friendship, love and understanding among any other faces, no other smiles and no other arms. Middle-aged woman totally lost without being able to reach out to the one person who always knew me very best.
The past several weeks, my stepdad has been literally walking me through his daily journey. He sends pictures of him feeding her, her having a good day, feeding herself. He gives updates and anecdotes, stories and strategies. He has been more than amazing -- there isn't a word to describe his heroism in keeping my mother out of a nursing facility and in her own environment.
When I told him my son and I are coming, his response was, "you'll get to meet the woman your mother is." I am still blown away by his comment. He has made an incredible observation. One I believe we all need to take a look at more closely. He watches how doctors and nurses and those who have charge over dementia and Alzheimer's people - focus so much attention on what that person has LOST. They measure what CAN'T be done any more, what CAN'T be remembered. What CAN'T be completed. My stepdad has shown me the beauty found in meeting my mother every day exactly where she is. He meets her with newness and meets her all over again for the first time. His focus is on what she CAN do. And together they are magnificently helping my selfish ass out of the fearful trembling and the inability to face what lies ahead for my own self.
What more powerful lesson can there be? Are any of us the same each day? Are any of us really totally predictable or robotically programmed? Every single one of us rises each day a different person. We have to be. Life constantly changes our shape.
Instead of dreading my visit, I am opening myself up to meeting my new mom. Right where she is. Who she is--- now.
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