Frogs

Coming from a "dysfunctional" family shaped me into who I am. And who I am has never been so clear to me as it is right now. 

My mom has always carried a child-like essence. Her spirit is curious just like a toddler. Her sense of humor matches that of a young person. And that fairy-like attribute has been a blessing and a curse. It served her so well as an elementary school teacher, someone able to relate and play with and encourage those in her classroom. Her heart is as wide open and naive as an innocent young girl, even though life has repeatedly put her to the test. She collects little knick knacks that are whimsical and comically presented. Frogs. Everywhere frogs. Their significance in her world isn't lost on me. Creatures that adapt and change according to their surroundings. Creatures who sing and chirp and hop and flop and have that same sense of youthful exuberance that she has always had.

Those are the blessings. The really big blessings.

From as early as I can remember, I stepped in to be her guardian. I have always had this hugely urgent protective tendency where she is concerned. (A lot of the time feeling like a curse.) Over the years it became her joke that I was really her mother, and she was really my child. And sometimes I think that is exactly what happened, our roles reversed. And even when thousands of miles separated us, I felt an ever present "guilt" or whatever it is that I wasn't closer, that currently I'm not THERE to help take care of her as she becomes even more and more like a child needing constant care and tenderness.

Before I left home, a dear friend who recently lost her father gave me a big hug and said, "You know, it's a grieving process not only for letting go of your parent-- but it feels like you're losing your child, too." She explained how sometimes it winds around that those who once cared for you are now the ones you have to care for. And that made so much sense to me. Why the mourning takes on such a deepness. It's a double whammy. Parent/child. 

I'm so thankful I am currently here with her. Her small child state. I can hold her hand. Try to make her laugh. Soak in her innocence and pureness. And shut out the rest of the world and simply "be" with her.

I think the biggest thing I am gaining is feeling ok about the blessings and the curses. They all dance around each other and become the backdrop of life. And all the negative spaces and positive spaces create the unique design that is ultimately who we are. Dark and light. 💜