Of What We're Made

I’ve been “thinking” in circles and squares and all kinds of random shapes since I first remember being able to remember. And once again, the Queen of Abstracts and Absolutes finds out what she thought she knew, she doesn’t know at all.

I’ve been on a quest for the past several years of learning what it takes to “let go”. To subtract those things that don’t make me better or leave me in a higher place. I’ve learned to dismiss, diminish, take away, step back, stop trying so hard, simply allow, go with the flow, reduce, remove. And I stand by the realization that all of the changes and re-arranges have shifted me, made me better, brought me more spirituality, more grace, more understanding and more joy. But I just had a “eureka moment” that can’t be ignored.

Until my life is over, I don’t think there are certain situations and circumstances of which  I will ever be able to completely let go. There are losses we face and are forced into bearing. There are tragedies that rob us, morph us. There are heartbreaks that we never fully recover from. All things I’ve tried over and over to rise above. All things I’ve peeled apart, layer by painful layer in an attempt to reach total healing. And it just now occurs to me that maybe we’re not designed to let it all go. Rather maybe we’re designed to process, digest, take it IN – not push against it or attempt to eradicate. Maybe it simply becomes part of who we are, becomes our make-up and part of our grander design. And maybe finally, in the surrendering, truly surrendering, I’ll discover maybe, just maybe, I’ve let go more than I think I have… and if not, maybe I’ve let go “enough”.

The things that happen TO us all, aren’t who we have ever been, aren’t who we potentially can be. I hope I’m learning how to place those things gently somewhere within where they work best so that I can be connected to the me I know I can be. And I hope I allow myself more breathing room and more elbow room.

3D Glasses

Sometimes I forget that I’m a three dimensional shape and that I won’t always get to be…

A three dimensional shape.

We all call it dying, but really I think we’re just shifting and evolving and changing and by the time we breathe our last breath of earth air, we let go of this experience, this body on loan from elements and minerals and earthly and other-worldly materials and move into the fourth dimension, fifth, sixth, seventh, millionth or wherever our next adventure lies.

I hope I never take for granted the form I’m in, the forms around me, the parts that I will never even get the chance to encounter because I’m so limited in 3D.

Here for such a short time. Inside this shell we take for granted.

May I recognize the dance I’m supposed to dance.

May I recognize the song I’m supposed to sing.

May I recognize the dreams I’m supposed to dream.

May I recognize the life I’m supposed to live.

Three dimensional nose that smells the pleasant and unpleasant.

Three dimensional eyeballs that fit into sockets that allow me to see in my own unique individualized colors and shapes.

Three dimensional fingers that let me feel the things that we call “tangibles”.

Three dimensional heart that beats and pumps and rhythmically and unrhythmically keeps me without sharp edges and hard corners so that I can fluidly move through the pounding of this thing we call “life”.

Shape. Form. Substance. Always changing, moving towards being without

this

that happens in

3D.

On Becoming More Bitchy

My mom told me over and over when I was young, “Be nice. Nice girls always get the guy.” Or “nice girls always come out ahead.” Or “nice girls always win in the end.”

I love that my mom taught me about how to be nice. Her actions more than her words became my road map. And she has always been one of the sweetest women I know. But often times while watching her be “kind”, I pushed down an overwhelming feeling of MAD. Because I watched as she worried about others so much, she lost parts of herself that I’m not sure she ever regained. While making others (including me) happy, she sacrificed her own self and life and health. A horrific price to pay. Pushing herself beyond her own limits so that others’ lives could be more comfortable. I learned from the master teacher.

But lately, I’ve been questioning “nice”.  Or my own interpretation of what that is.

Questioning it alot.

Not saying I think we should all throw kindness out the door. Far from it. But how about if we’re nice to ourselves enough to keep ourselves intact? To make our lives a bit easier?

For the first time in my life I’m finding out the efficiency of placing boundaries quickly and quietly around my inner being. It's hard for me to do. I have to work hard at it.

At work, I've had to learn how to apply these new principles better. Be more precise. Be more decisive. Be more clear. It saves time. It manages other’s lives better. It makes the well-oiled machine run much more economically. It helps MY life feel easier. I’ve struggled with it, because in demonstrating THOSE qualities, I have felt I’m sacrificing “nice”. Today the light bulb went on as I was gently taught that my concept and interpretation is a bit askew.

I also figured out today that this world isn’t always nice. (duh) Very few individuals I know of are completely selfless. Most of us are incredibly selfish, putting our own wants before anyone else. Not that that is good or bad. I’m convinced it’s simply being human. We all expect life and the universe to swirl around our importance and when it doesn’t we get all bent out of shape and wonder why and feel we’ve failed or something. (a different topic altogether) So I’ve entered into the challenge to begin using my built in Bullshit Radar - on myself and on others. What can I do to not only protect my energy but also “your” energy? Keeping us out of circumstances or moments that are unnecessary or unimportant or just really not needed? Going back to that feeling of creating more empty space around me. I’m finding out there’s a way to make vastness around my reactions or lack of reactions and in my constant need to people please.  Whittle down. Take away. Remove. And in so doing, I become aware that there truly are those who take advantage. (insert huge audible, collective gasp) Some people try to get away with as much as possible simply because they can, probably without even understanding what they are doing.

Just say no. Be blunt and to the point. 

Especially if you’re in a place where you feel you need to start protecting your own value and worth. I’m giving myself permission to pull back on the nice-ness.

Look out world. And um, sorry mom.

lol

Dancing With Life

I had an amazing conversation last night with someone I’ve known “on the surface”, someone who has died twice, gone through incredible life journeys, has had to climb back and rise from the rubble more than once; someone who is worlds away from where they first started as a child. The stories inspired me and feel like they’ve changed me somehow for the better. I heard about tragedy that led to a place of learning how to embrace and live in each moment as it comes, trials and traumas that led to a place where dancing, absorbing music and just shining an inner light for others has ignited a willingness to open one’s life to complete service to others. Through “me”, use me to change a world one little piece at a time is the lesson I gained from simply listening.

It’s a call I feel my mom instilled in me forever ago. A call to take the ashes or the shitty parts and pieces and raise those things up with love and life as the driving forces, the forces that know innately that everything, every little thing can be used for the good, for betterment of self and others.

I don’t know, nor will I ever really figure it all out, I don’t know if we are all here on planet Earth for a reason. I have my gut feeling we are. But I also have my doubts that maybe life is nothing but randomness and chaos. But the stories that weave themselves in and out of my life ignite my bones. They wrap around and tie things together and make sense out of nonsense and guide me to a feeling of wanting to sing and share smiles and laughter and ease other people’s pain. Those wishes become the fabric of life and take me away from an even-keeled center where there is little to feel, shallow waters;  where there is no depth into this expansive full spectrum ocean of experience. It all keeps taking me further into the highest highs and lowest lows and I emerge feeling baptized over and over by some kind of grace that is stretching me beyond comfort and ease and into a new dimension of absorbing life in ways I never dreamed I could or would.

The more I love myself, the more I love this life, the more I love others around me who have similar paths and ideas and dreams to express, the more expansive everything becomes. I might not have a lot of money, I might not have a mansion on a hill complete with swimming pool and servants… but I have stories and the hearts of friends that make me feel incredibly rich. Thank you life. Every day.