QTIPS and Caring Enough

It hit me once again this morning.

Many of our patterns of behavior run deep; generations deep. So many of them aren’t even in our conscious mind. We move through them not realizing what we’re doing. Or not doing. A great grandmother always puts others before herself. A grandmother doesn’t take care of herself, always gives to others. A mother is so busy taking care of everyone outside of herself, she misses the symptoms that wreak havoc with her body later on… Too busy on the outside to care for the precious commodity on the inside.

I used to get so mad at my mom for not taking care of herself. As a child I’d watch as my dad would lay into her, verbally, too many times physically. Shoving her off a bar stool onto the floor, kicking her with his cowboy boot. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t fight for herself. Why she wouldn’t stand up, run away, get out, give up and make changes. I didn’t realize until my high school years how much resentment I had because of that one thing about her. I used to be unable to sleep at night, worrying. Thinking it was my job to protect her.

I’ve come a long way from that little girl who watched in horror. I’ve learned to love a dad who used unhealthy substances to try to mask his own pain, his own mental anguish. I’ve learned how to practice a deep, deep well of forgiveness and acceptance.

Without all of it I wouldn’t be me, here and now.

Mom eventually separated from my father, went back to school to become a teacher, and moved to Arizona where finally, she found ways to heal. She found ways to feed her own soul, to recharge her batteries, to find her own passions and joys and discover who she was. I remember loving our talks on the phone. She would tell me about alternative health therapies she had been trying. She would tell me about experiences around campfires with friends. She told about dancing in the middle of her living room while holding onto a long, flowing scarf. How free she felt, how uninhibited.

My mom went from being what I thought was “weak” into being the strongest person I know. Actually, now I know she’s always been the strongest person I know.

It’s just now dawning on me, after years of dealing with my own chronic pain that my mom fought even longer with her own chronic pain. But unlike me, she didn’t really talk about it a lot. I’m sure she didn’t want to bother people or dump her problems on anyone. But as her daughter, I saw it. I felt it.

For so long I misunderstood my mom’s inaction from abusiveness and later her action of moving away. For a long time, I felt like she went away from me. And at that time I was a single parent, so I felt like she went away from my son, too. I took everything about her actions so personally. QTIP = “Quit Taking It Personally” Now I see how she left FOR HERSELF.

What dawned on me today was the beautiful gift she gave in her absence. In her own way, she showed me that in order to be best for others, you need to be best for yourself. You need to take care of yourself in a way that honors your entire life – a life borrowed for such a short while. No one else can care more for you than YOU. And sometimes, as I’ve known, it’s difficult to even rise in the morning and brush your teeth, comb your hair, take a shower, get dressed. Those tiny bits and pieces of feeding your soul seem horrifically hard.

Care enough for you.

Care enough to take the little steps necessary to keep you safe, warm, healthy, balanced, more whole and less stagnant and LESS STRESSED. Keep finding ways to fill the soul. Big ways. Little ways. Any way that gives back and puts back in what has been depleted. Guard yourself wisely. Make adjustments. Rest. And sometimes, as I’ve been told by a healer in the past, “rest, rest, rest and then rest some more”. Listen to what every part of you is saying. And then take action and direct your steps where they need to take you. Care enough to give the best you can be to those who are counting on you each day. Do it for you, not them. Benefit from your own self love so it spills over onto others. Do it so you can live out your truest potential, serve your highest calling, find your purpose.

Care enough.