The Next Door Down

I've felt pretty helpless being so far away from mom. But she taught me something through her own actions. The power of prayer.

I know my mother has said prayers for me almost every day of my life.

Alzheimer's has gifted me with a nudging to be in continual prayer in return for her. It might not be words expressed out loud or internally. But each and every day I feel my heart wrapping itself around her somehow. I feel it creating words when I can't find any to whisper. And in much the same way as how she has nourished my life, I feel myself returning in kind.

The last time I visited my parents in their home, I heard stories about neighbors who caused some discomfort and nervous energy in my mom. Little kids unattended outside as they play and cross over boundaries into my mom's private spaces. Grown-ups who seem a bit threatening to someone who no longer has the same filtering systems and rationale. And that concern became a point of focus for my prayerful state.

So when I got a call from my stepdad telling me about their new next door neighbor, a lump grew in my throat as I listened to the details. And I recognized immediately how beautifully my prayers had been "answered". A woman close to my mom's age and height moved in next door. Small in stature, mighty in spirit, just like Flo. Someone who latched onto my mother's stories, someone who enjoys spending time and checking up on her newly found friend the next door down. Someone who can offer us all a sense of peace and joy that mom has someone nearby.

I never could have even imagined this would be in the "works". And it teaches me something very powerful. During our moments when we can't figure out what to do or when we feel like we can't come up with solutions or when we feel like we're groping for answers, learn to trust that there's a power in the universe that moves with massive force and can bring in more than what we could have ever hoped for. The outcome might not be anything like what we designed or thought of, but in the end, it's utterly perfect.

My boys used to go around the house singing, "Don't worry, be happy" with Bobby McFerrin's voice. And their childlike joy always erased any anxiety or temporary worry I might have been experiencing. I'm reminded that we have the power to "give it up". Step away from ourselves, step away from what we expect and anticipate, and create space for other, more appropriate answers to come flooding in from that abundant energy that always has our backs covered. Sometimes it's a matter of stepping out of the way and allowing it entrance in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU

I'm Still Here

I thought when I first started “Dumpster Diving” that this would be easy. Just write. Write the process of dealing with, watching my mom, experiencing Alzheimer’s, again. Seeing the disease in my grandmothers, close up and personally, as I helped care for them as they transitioned out of this lifetime.

I’m miles away from my mother as she copes and lives her life, her stages.

I had no idea the words would be so difficult. They’ve always been easy for me to find. Words have always been a magic carpet that floats gently beside me and all I have to do is reach out and hold on and they flow through. I just ride the ride. But as time goes on, I realize my mother is ok. I know she has her moments of fear, moments of tears and confusion. But she’s ok.

I’m the one who is feeling the ravishes of this disease. The fear of not knowing what lies ahead, selfishly inside my own life. The stuffing down of emotions of feeling left alone when I wasn't ready to be left alone. Feeling small again. Childlike and weakened because the shadow of my mother's image seems just that ... a shadow.

I’ve spent years and years trying to heal myself from the inside out. Similarly to my mother’s journey. Chronic pain leads to answers in alternative therapies and crossing paths with healers who aid as a bridge into a pathway strewn with self-motivation, self-reflection, self-searching, self-discovery intertwined with Divinity reaching down to bless and to guide and to sustain.

But all it takes is a single “set back”, a minor car accident, that sets an intricately arranged pattern of dominoes into a falling down motion that leaves me feeling like I’m at the very bottom again, trying to pick up pieces. Line them back up one tiny blackened piece at a time. Set them up slightly differently this time. Rearrange. New design. But a task that once again seems like a “task”, a burdened job of picking up pieces and beginning again. And under it all, I feel once again the nagging sensation of complete and utter loss. A separation that seems it will swallow me up and go on forever.

I just want my mom.

I want her safety. Her comfort. Her arms wrapped around me, reassuring me everything is all right. Miles away. Neurons away.

So I search inside myself for that one thread still strong enough to bind me to my positive attitude. The thread attached to me from heaven that winds itself through me and into those around me who assist in fixing body, mind and soul.

My most recent visit into the healing realm invited me to journal after the experience. Again. The words have escaped me. Until today. I heard the swoosh of the magic carpet fluttering.

A Letter To Myself, From Myself and From My Mother's Voice Within

Mother: Once again, child, arise. And stay the course.

Me: I know what’s being said: trust, surrender, relax, feel safe. Supported. Loved. Guided and directed. My logical mind gets it. But my little child heart continues to be scared.

Mother: Let go. Completely let go. Walk through the valleys, head held high with confidence knowing “all is well” and “all is Divine”. Spend time each day working on YOU. Hands on heart. Work on One, and you work on ALL. Shed all that doesn’t serve the Inner Happiness, Inner Peace. TRUST.

This is all so temporary and is leading you to deep, rich understanding – a deeper empathic knowledge so others will be bridged into ME (the universal energy, God, Jesus consciousness). One step at a time.

Go the speed limit – for your own protection and safety. Go MY speed posted, NOT the speed of despair, desperation, sorrow, depression, heavy-heartedness, hurt and fear. Go the speed limit of LOVE. I’ll have the signs posted for you. Just see them.

Keep trying to raise your frequency into where FEAR is just fear, a lower level…. But LOVE is KING and resides higher than clouds.

Keep changing the dial until all your cells follow. It takes time, it takes healing of other sounds; the frequencies absorbed environmentally, past life noises, echoes and traces left behind or coming forward – all trying to drown out your natural order, your Divine Righteousness.

Me: Thank you for my path. For my journey. From poverty to abundance, from abundance to poverty back to abundance. Each time gaining. Each time growing and stretching me further and closer all at the same time. I’m trying to climb, but Mother, I need your help. I know it’s there, but I’m asking for specific help. I question whether I still hear your voice whispering. At times I have no doubt, I hear. But sometimes my compass needle gets caught spinning wildly in circles. And keeps spinning. I need you to pull with more clarity your magnetic field so the needle knows. So it stops twirling and shows the clear way to go.

I’ve once again had a reoccurring dream, one that terrified me as a child. Walls were falling down in huge chunks, people were screaming wildly and out of control, the ground was opening up and swallowing those who chose to frantically run. I heard you say “stay still, stay calm”. And in that moment all became quiet inside and everything around me was just motion waves. Peace kept me safe.

There’s a moral story that says once you aim for the target, you must pull back the arrow, then release it to find its mark. If you try to hold onto it, there’s no way it can fly and end up where it’s supposed to. I’m trying. Trying to let go of the arrow so it can go where it is sent. It's so hard for me to let go of that arrow and not try to force its direction, speed and force.

Mother: Talitha, Cumi. (Damsel, arise/stand.) And keep rising. Keep standing tall.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8TsAh-zYFI