Inside Out and Outside In

I’ve spent my entire life wondering why bad things happen. If there is this wonderful loving God up in the sky or buried inside our cells, or swirling and surrounding everything everywhere all the time, why would He allow the things that go on that are so destructive, so unkind, so opposite of what those who blindly “know” Him profess? I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure it all out. Why do beautiful people die ugly, painful deaths from cancer? Why do we break one another’s hearts? Why does the earth shake, quake and bake innocent beings, both human and all other. Why is there this constant tearing down of everything? Why does Life have its own Death wish? Why does anger permeate and rip out and tug at our feelings of positive-ness? Why does hate seem so much stronger than any force encompassed by a woman’s heart? Why is there greed, neglect, war, rape, murder?

And then a day like today comes along. A day when I’m scared, feeling completely lost. Feeling alone. Wishing I could somehow fix everything broken in those I love and within my own body and soul. Then quietly entering into the dark comes one little beam of light after another. An “adopted” son’s text, reassuring me that everything will be fine. That he’s there, hundreds of miles away, but “there” sending love and positive energy. A friend’s phone call and a gentle voice reassuring me, adding fuel to my strength reserves. A re-aquaintance (long lost friend) letting me know thoughts circle around me. A niece giving me her laughter and her ideas and her passions. Sharing love. And standing here by the window, looking outside while choking down tears and fears, something stirs inside me and becomes perfectly clear. Even if it’s just for a singular moment that will fade away. For that instant I KNOW. I know that without the traumas and the disappointments and the discouraging, heart wrenching things that come hurling our way throughout this life experience, we wouldn’t feel the intensity of the small gifts presented today. Right now.

One of the things I’ve appreciated about mom and where she is in her aging process is how she seems to be able to let everything pass in and through without letting it stay too long inside of her. She’s more accepting. More detached, yet at the same time somehow more powerful in her ability to let things completely go, while letting everything else completely in. It’s been precious for me to observe.

I’m a little overwhelmed today, thinking I’m reaching even farther out on the end of the spectrum of emotions. Feeling an intensity of love and gratitude I haven’t yet felt before. It makes me actually a bit more thankful for the challenges… for the heart aches. I’ve been so focused on letting things go, I’ve not appreciated enough the impact and importance of letting things in….

Life. Death. Rebirth.

It is difficult, actually impossible for a woman to accurately describe the childbirth experience to anyone who hasn’t been through the process. The mind relinquishes itself to the body that somehow goes from resisting and fighting against to accepting and allowing. The lungs grasp for air in a way never fully known prior to that moment. The muscles begin reacting and moving seemingly without any prompting from the normal places in the brain. When you have a baby naturally, without the standardized epidural or pain relievers, you can’t shield yourself or protect yourself from the sensations of pressure, bones being forced apart, ripping, tearing and slicing. While at the same time a feeling of complete and total release. A letting go of everything known and familiar. Everything safe. I remember thinking it must be similar to dying; surrendering into some life force that we all own, we all respond to, we all come from and go back to and that circles us while we are awake and while we sleep. And that energy takes over and takes charge and there is nothing that you can do anymore; simply experience it.

A child letting go of a mother. Life. Death. Birth.

A mother letting go of a child. Life. Death. Birth.

A place where endurance is a must. Where strength has to be present because there is no other choice. A hovering between life’s first breath and life’s last. That sensation of absolute “not knowing”. I sometimes wonder if we don’t all walk death’s edge from experiences we go through. And through it all, one HAS to believe in something bigger. Someone greater. One has to believe it’s all leading to some kind of new life, even through tears and sometimes screaming out loud from the pain.

I’m glad I’m a daughter and I’m glad I’m a mother. From inside my heart I know what true love is. What can take it. What can break it. What can tie it up into knots.

And sometimes it's about stepping away, stepping back and allowing something else in.

I surrender.

Again and again.